| Sunday 13 September 1942 |
[May. 28th, 2008|10:43 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  ashamed | ] |
I know the reason I wasn't at Malfoy Manor this weekend wasn't that I'm not part of my family, it's that I'm not connected to the Malfoys. And I'm not connected to the Malfoys! I'm not Company, I'm not engaged to Endymion. So, that's fine. But I wish I'd been there because I wish I hadn't had to be here, and I could have seen Daddy and Lavinia and Susie, and not seen the demon coming out of Hector Smith, and not seen everyone panicking in the Broomsticks.
And not been at the memorial, which is terrible of me. I didn't know Claire or Giselle at all, but I knew Pippa and I took classes from Bettony and Binns, and I liked them, somewhat, well, more than most students did. Except for people like Caroline Wood or Tisdale Cooper, because not only did Bettony like them, they liked Defence. And it's all terrible, and I wish so much we could have stopped it.
I need to be brave and try to apologise to Cassie and make it up to her as much as I can. I was so stupid not to work out over summer that she just hadn't started grieving properly yet, and now she has, and Robbie's birthday is Tuesday, and things won't be better for her for a long long time. I thought I was losing my family too, but I never was. |
|
|
| Sunday 30 August 1942, just after midnight |
[Oct. 16th, 2006|07:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  guilty | ] |
The Mulcibers' party was far more fun than I expected. They have enormously wide taste in music. I suppose it makes sense; Dylan takes lessons with us. Hadrian and Endymion could hardly be away from each other for a moment, but Endymion was cursed when they broke the contract, so Hadrian had to look after him. It was very brave of Endymion to go at all.
I saw Celerity and Dolores and let them know what I know about them. And I hope that's it. Dolores is a very sad person, and I pray that she can find the way to being better and happier, but I could only hurt her and myself by trying to help. And as for Celerity, she scares me, I don't understand her at all. Is she unhappy like Dolores? Did she think Endymion would make her happy, and if not, what did she want from him?
Hadrian said something very striking to me at the party. He said that married people are committed to looking after each other first. And he is right, and I shall have to work to understand that Endymion comes first with him now, before Mum, and before me, and before anyone else. And so far it seems that this works both ways between them, which is very surprising after everything last term and whatever it was that happened this summer. But hopefully it is not temporary.
However, it's upsetting me a lot to think about this in the context of my family as a whole. What does marriage mean to us? I don't know how long ago Daddy stopped putting Mum first, but it must have been years ago. Or perhaps ever. And she must really have stopped putting him above all some time ago too. She became involved with Mr Luna so very quickly after she asked Daddy to leave. I have an idea that perhaps we can learn from them and succeed where they failed, I hope Hadrian and Endymion are the start of that, and Susie made the right decision breaking her engagement with Derek because he was not willing to be to her what a good husband and life mate should be. I am determined to achieve nothing less than they have done and will do.
Hadrian doesn't understand why I want to go home tomorrow when Endymion has been so very sick today, but he has forgotten that Mum has no one, really, and nor do I, not like he does and not like Daddy does. And nor does Cassie. And so how can I help but choose them, when there's so little time left before school? |
|
|
| Friday 28 August 1942 |
[Aug. 11th, 2006|06:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cranky | ] |
How can Hadrian think I've forgotten the language we made up? I thought he'd forgotten it. I stopped speaking it to him after I found out he'd taught Endymion some of the words. Actually, for all I know, he probably taught him all of the words.
I have piles and piles of all the junk we wrote in it. I sent Hadrian my escape map, but I could just have easily sent him the story of the troll kingdom. It's in sixteen parts, and I don't think we ever finished it. Last year, when I felt lonely, and everyone hated me, I used to keep my diary in it. That was the one that Caroline Wood found and broke the wards on. I should tell him that it saved my skin. She sounded chunks of it out to the seventh years in the common room, but none of them worked out what it said, and there's no translation charms because there are only two speakers (well, maybe one and maybe three) and none of them have ever made one.
I thought he'd forgotten! |
|
|
| Wednesday 26 August 1942 |
[Jun. 26th, 2006|10:48 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
I visited Daddy at Lavinia's house. His house. And it was all very nice and family-like and I'm so horribly jealous. It was never really like that here, and it probably won't ever be now. I don't think that's what Mum wants from Luna.
I'm going back to Daddy's house on Saturday night after the awful party. I still don't know what Hadrian and Dashwood are going to do about Celerity Warrington, or Dolores. And I really don't know what to do about Lavinia. She's awfully kind and friendly, and she's Fia's Mum, but at the same time, she used to sell women's bodies for profit. Maybe Daddy did too. I really should ask about this, about why, and what it means, but I wish I could go a week without fighting with my family. Just a week. |
|
|
| Sunday 23rd August 1942, late morning |
[May. 8th, 2006|10:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | angry | ] |
Hadrian was right about Luna and Mum. But he doesn't understand; it's fair. Daddy had Lavinia for years and years. And he still has her. And who does that mean Mummy had? No one. And now she has Luna.
Or that's what I should think. What I really think is that she had us. And we weren't enough for her. Hadrian's gone and she doesn't want him to come home. And she sure doesn't want Daddy to come home. It's not fair, and I know it, and I can never say it, but I wish she wanted them to come home. I wish she wanted everything to be the way it was. But it's only me.
I suppose I ought to tell Hadrian he was right. Well, I guess he already knows because of what happened on Wednesday night, but I should still tell him. I was so angry with him for not telling me about Daddy and Lavinia.
All I can do is continue to pray for guidance and strive for strength within my own mind. That's all I can do. And I really hate it. |
|
|
| Thursday 20th August 1942, Addie's journal |
[Mar. 26th, 2006|08:46 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | anxious | ] |
Hadrian's gone again. Mum told Arianwen he's staying with friends. I don't know if that's true. It probably is, he got in such trouble for going to Mrs Scalara's last time. Honestly though, from what he said about me and Mum, I guess it doesn't really matter, he's going to go away and stay away, where ever he can, as much as he can. Like Daddy, but he doesn't even care at all and I think Daddy does. A bit.
I went to Mrs Scalara's house with Mummy because Bella Zabini and her father were there and ill. I guess something big must have happened to get them away from Mrs Zabini. I should ask Daddy about it, when he's allowed to tell he can tell good stories. Poor Mummy, for once I really did feel like the calm one, like I should be. She was so angry. Mrs Scalara is older and more dignified than I thought, I haven't seen her up close before. But I didn't want to talk to her because Mum has been so angry about Daddy (and Susie and Hadrian) and also, I don't know what to say to her. She's more part of my family than I am and yet I don't know her. And I didn't see my half-sister, but apparently she beats Hadrian at cards, so she can't be all bad. She's probably more Slytherin than Susie and Hadrian combined though!
Oh! And Cassie and I bought a present for Mummy. A cuddling blanket!! Next time we go shopping I won't even have enough money for a biscuit with my tea, but it will be worth it if she likes it. |
|
|
| 17 August 1942 |
[Feb. 16th, 2006|01:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | scared | ] |
Daddy has left home and I don't know what to do. He's gone to live with Mrs Scalara who is his mistress and her daughter who is my sister. He wrote me a letter that said he would never abandon me, but hasn't he already abandoned me? Mrs Scalara's house is different from our house and she is different from Mummy, very different I think because it is her house that Melina and Dimity Ducas live in. I am nothing like them; I am like Mum, and Daddy has abandoned her. And he must prefer people like that or he wouldn't let my sister grow up there with them.
I haven't decided what to do about it all. There's a heap of dresses on my bed that Mummy bought me today, but that's not the answer. Meditation and prayer with Mummy was calming and strengthening; but it doesn't do anything. Or, no, it gives us the strength to endure and to act as God wishes, but it is only the first step, knowing His will and acting as its instrument are the next ones. But even Mummy seems to think that Daddy should be able to choose to live however he likes and she and we are the ones that must change ourselves to suit. And that does not seem right. |
|
|
| 16th August 1942, evening |
[Feb. 10th, 2006|12:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  happy | ] |
I'm so glad that I managed to get out of the house today, and I
had such a good time with everyone. I really hope that Arianwen has come
to like Dolly a little better now. She said before that she wasn't
spending time with me because I was friends with Dolly now. It wasn't
jealousy, so it can only have been true dislike, which is not easily
overcome. But it must be a misunderstanding, they are both perfectly
nice people and if only they can spend time together it should be all
right eventually. Arianwen and Marlie seemed to have a good time, so
that's a start.
Poor Cassie was wonderful as always, she's so brave. She's trying so
hard to be Lady Campion now too, but the real Cassie shone through when
she dragged us off after supper to watch some fencing (what a shame
Dolly had to leave, I think she'd like Cassie even more when she's more
herself). It's awfully good of her to work so hard at being ladylike,
but I hope she doesn't entirely turn into a Lady, she wouldn't be Cassie
anymore. Dolly was very sweet to her too, she's so understanding; I
only wish I could be half as comforting as she is.
Hadrian seems to have his own plans about 'comforting' Cassie, but it
seemed to make her laugh, so what's the harm? Before she arrived he was
the same with Arianwen too though. I don't understand what he thinks
he's going to do with all these girls. (And I don't understand what they
see in him!) There's Endymion too, or was. I thought he'd vanished from
the scene but there was an owl earlier so I guess not, Mummy will be
disappointed. Surely there's only so much time in the day? I guess he
is going to be like Arianwen and her friends soon enough, but some of
them are going to keep carrying on like that after they're married. I
don't see that it can be possible to be happy like that. |
|
|
| Sunday, 16th August 1942 |
[Jan. 31st, 2006|09:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | lonely | ] |
I really can't understand why everyone is so horrible about Dolly! She's so kind, and so sensible. And it's so nice to spend time with someone who isn't all mysterious and superior. I feel like I've been trapped in some Slytherin nightmare all summer with Daddy coming and going (mostly going, really) so secretly and Hadrian smirking at me every time I open my mouth as if everything I say is so obviously stupid and Susie treating me as if I was about two. And Arianwen fits in with them so well that it's almost like she's part of the family and I'm not. And even Mummy is so caught up in her work (and her chats with Dr van Rensselaer and Father Luna) that we haven't been able to spend time in the lab together just getting away from the sheer Slytheriness of them all. I wonder how poor Marlie feels about living in the midst of this, but she's so practical and efficient, she just does what she's doing and that's that. I really admire Hufflepuffs sometimes. It must be a lot easier, being like that.
I'm really beginning to look forward to September, which is strange, as I spent so much time last year looking forward to summer. But it will be so nice to be back in Gryffindor. And I hope this year that things aren't such a riot, even though as a Gryffindor I am honour-bound to enjoy a little craziness, even as a prefect, but really, sometimes it's a bit much. Dolly seems to be such a good prefect in Hufflepuff, I hope I can learn from her. But I am still happy that Minerva is Head Girl; she's so awfully clever and really, sensible like Dolly too. And a Gryffindor which is best of all.
In the meantime, I am going to a party of Cynthia Mulciber's, which I'm a bit scared about because I don't know Cynthia or Barty or Jessica and their friends very well. But Dolly is going, and hopefully Minerva, so I hope it will be fun! |
|
|
confused
surprised